LOST THE WAY

     Well like I said before, happiness doesn't last long in my life. I truly believe that I'm not meant to be happy. Plain and simple. I'm not meant to love and be loved back. I don't know what is going on with Nate. All I know is that I'm terribly worried about him. He's angry, and he's cold. And I don't know what to do to help him. He stays out all night, this time he's been gone for days. I know he's not cheating but I'm not sure what's going on. He's doing reckless things and pushing me farther away. I refuse to live another ten years like the last, with all the secrets and lies. So, what do I do? Walk away from the man I love, or stick it out and spend another ten years crying myself to asleep? 

    These are the things I think about every day now. These are the things that engulf my mind as I try to go to sleep. With Bryant, it was easy to place the blame because he was cheating plain and simple. You can't sugarcoat that and make it become a pretty picture because it's always going to be trash. But with Nate, it's like he's trying to find his way again. I feel so guilty for him coming down here and staying, so damn guilty. Because when he was in Georgia, before he quit his job, he was doing so damn good. He had a routine, a purpose. But now, he doesn't even have his truck, which is something I need to get down here for him. I know he feels guilt for leaving his mom, and I know he feels guilty that he let his dad down. I keep telling him though that his dad would want him to be happy, but he doesn't listen.  

    I'm trying everything in my power to make him happy, but nothing I do is working. All he does is yell and fight with me when he's home, then he runs away again. I feel so bad because I really don't know what to do to make him happy. He doesn't even love himself I don't think so how's he ever going to love me? 

IT MUST BE A DREAM

     I don't deserve this. Honestly, I don't. The rest of my life was supposed to be filled with despair and sorrow. It's what I thought I deserved. But that's not the way my life has been for the last two months. Lemme rewind....

    The beginning of February was as it's always been. The asshole going to Beverly Hills and yet again choosing that whore over me. I had had enough, and I knew that it was over for me. The love wasn't there anymore, my heart now cold and filled with anger and resentment. That definitely wasn't a good combination for anyone to have. 

    As I sat there one day a week before, Nate popped into my head. He was one of those men that when you see him from across the room you get a lump in your throat and your heart falls in your stomach. I was smitten. I had met him about six years before and I couldn't forget him. We developed a bond that was like no other. He ended up getting in some trouble around that time and ended up being sentenced to five years in prison. I really thought when he got locked up that that would be the end of that. But to my surprise it wasn't. The whole time he did his bid we spoke, i even put money on his phone and his books. Actually, after a mutual friend died, I was the only one that held him down.

    When he got out, we spoke off and on, he ended up getting engaged and I carried on with the madness that is my life. Somehow, in the midst of all of that we began talking again. But we spoke about me moving to Georgia where he now lived. We had honestly developed a romantic bond years before but quickly pushed it aside when he went to prison. But now that he was out there was only one thing really holding us back...the asshole.

    There was a part of me that really did still love him, I part of me I didn't want to let go of. I'd been with him for ten years and I was used to him being in my life. I just wasn't ready to let go. not until his last run to her. 

    He had left and there I sat alone. I had spoken to Nate and I had made plans to go up to Georgia and get him so he could help me move my mom back to Florida from PA. But the day I was due to go, it got cancelled after the asshole found out and ran home to stop me. Just like that all my plans were ruined and there I left Nate clueless to what was going on. He called and called me, but I didn't know what to say, how to tell him. I felt like shit, plain and simple.

    That night that my plans were spoiled when there went the asshole back to Beverly Hills. For nothing. Him doing all that was all for nothing. Just to keep me home and keep me miserable. Unfuckingbelieveable.

    A week later though after dozens of calls and messages I finally got up enough nerve to actually answer one of his messages. I couldn't tell him at first what had happened, how would it look? So, I came up with some excuse and decided that enough was enough. I was going. His cousin whom I'd never met agreed to go along for the ride. And boy am I glad that he did. I would have surely never made it there. The ride was long, and it was quiet. We had to switch rental cars once and it felt like it took us forever to get there. But low and behold, finally there we were.

    Nate was fiddling with his beloved truck, making sure that everything was locked up. When he saw us, a smile came across his face. He hugged his cousin when we got out of the car and held me in his arms squeezing me tight. I can honestly say at that moment in his arms I felt like I was home. I'll never forget it. 

    The ride back was peaceful, and I found myself not being able to take my eyes off him. He looked so different than the last time that I saw him but my God, how handsome he was. We laughed and sang to the same music. It was different, in a very good way. 

    His three-day visit is now going on two months and its funny because I didn't realize how fast I fell in love with him. He has his issues, like we all do, but my God this man saved me. I didn't think it was possible for me to be happy ever again. But surprise, it sure is. He's a gift from heaven, I'm certainly convinced., and I fall more in love with him every day. I can't wait to see what tomorrow holds for us, the sky is the limit. Thank you, Nathan Paul, for saving me from the darkness. Thank you for loving me in a way I thought was only in fairytales. Thank you for making all my dreams come true. I love you.

    

    

SUCKER (Originally written 12/22/2024)

     I feel like I'm living in a dream. Wait more like a nightmare. A nightmare that I just cant wake up from. For the last week I've totally playedmom to my mans pregnant mistress while inside im screaming. I just dont know what to do about this whole situation, I just dont. Im still so much in shock that I feel as if Im climbing the walls while drowning in a sea of sorrow. I cant escape the feelings that I have. And now with her being in my face 24/7 its a constant reminder of his infedelity and the upcoming birth of his second child. Its debilitating to me and I want to just run. And how am I gonna raise a child at 42? How is it even fair to ask me to do that when I couldnt even raise my own and they hate my guts because of it? How fair is it to leave my own blood children and raise soemone elses. Thats on the top of my list of what the fuck am I doing? All of this is a result of him  thinking with the wrong head, and lying and cheating for years. In the back of my head and knew that this would probably happen

GULLIBLE

      Everything I said about a miracle I take back. I did something so stupid. I don’t know what on earth I was ever thinking. I had told you about the accident that was going to be born into this world, and apparently it was happening next month. I had told you that I told the whore that I was taking that baby. At that time, she agreed and everything was great. I had even agreed to help her, and her brother take care of some financial things from their deceased father. Again, I don’t know what I was thinking. 

     About three weeks ago we all load up in the car and went to their grandmother‘s house to pick up a check that had been mailed there. The uncle lived there as well I sat in the car and the whore her brother and her brother‘s girlfriend got out of the car and went to the gate. They open the gate and walk into their grandmother‘s yard, and the uncle was out there, yelling at them to get out being who they are. They refused and stated that they wanted to go see their grandma. I just watched in shock because I could not believe how a family could argue like that. As they continue to argue all the sudden, I saw fists, wailing and hammers being drawn up in the air the uncle had grabbed a hammer, and the brother started swinging at Uncle and I thought oh my God we’re all going to jail when they finally decided to exit the yard. The brother made sure he got one last job in and picked up a rock and threw it through the uncle's driver side door window of his truck. He jumped in the car, and we drove away, and he just thought that he had accomplished the greatest thing since sliced bread plotting himself for being such a man it was pathetic really. We continue to drive down the road and all of a sudden Bryant got a phone call wouldn’t you know it was the sheriff's office looking for the brother and the whore Brian had told them that he had just dropped them off, but he would go back and pick them up. He got off the phone talk to the brother and they agreed to meet at the government building where we were headed anyway to get a copy of their father ‘s death certificate when we got there, I walked inside, started filling out paperwork to get it. The brother followed me but then left a couple minutes later when he was notified that the cops were outside. I stood there like an idiot, taking charge of the situation and sign my name for a copy of the certificate when I walked outside there were two cop cars. I didn’t see the horror at first, and I wondered where she was. I soon found out that she had been arrested for trespassing on the property of her grandmother and also for battery. The brother on the other hand had also been arrested for battery and trespassing in criminal mischief, I could not believe it one day I decide to be nice and hang out with these people and they get arrested. The girlfriend in hysterics was hyperventilating, and it took everything for me to get her calm down. And as for Bryant, well he was hiding in the car, because he didn’t want to have to deal with the police. I quickly spoke to the police. I went to my car when they said it was OK for us to leave the three of us left, and I had never been more disgusted in my life. A short time later on my phone right I didn’t recognize the number, but I did recognize that it was in a town where the jail was oh my God here we go I thought to myself when I answered it was the whore asking me to bond her out. I could not believe what she was asking me to do this wretched girl that I couldn’t stand was asking for my help a part of me wanted to leave her in there to right away, but the other part felt bad because she was in fact pregnant so reluctantly, and like an idiot, I agreed to designer bond dumbest mistake of my life. I called her mother and spoke to her mother briefly her mother agreed to send me the money for the bond and I would go up and sign it by the time all this took place though it was relatively late so it didn’t end up happening until the next day I went up to the bondsman signed my name gave them the money and then went home and waited patiently for a short time until I thought it had been enough time that she would be released soon Bryant throughout all of this was quiet and appreciative. I had a feeling in a pit of my stomach that this was not going to go without consequence to me and that it would end up biting me in the ass boy was I ever right?

TO MY BOYS WITH LOVE

     So, they say that a child always knows who their parents are whether their parents actually raise them or not. This is something that I've wished for as long as I remember. I often wonder to myself if they miss me as much as I miss them. Or if they are so brainwashed by what their father wanted them to think that was the truth is that they hate my guts. Deep down I know that's not possible, deep down I know that they miss me too. Every day I think about that day that they might let me back into their hearts, and into their lives. If only just a little. There is still so much I need to tell them, so much I need to make them understand. I need them to know that my love for them never faltered, that I never wanted them to feel not wanted. I just didn't want them to feel the loss of losing a parent. But in all actuality, that's exactly what happened. I know that whatever I say will never make things right, will never get back those years. I've missed so much and its left such a gaping hole in my heart. Not a day goes by that I don't think of them, my three angels. Leaving them is and will always be, my biggest regret in my life. And I've got to take responsibility for the fact that I fucked up. I really did. I can't even blame the asshole that pushed me down the stairs every time he got hammered and would punch me in the head so hard, I prayed to die. I should have made better choices in my life, but I didn't. And there is nobody to blame here but me. 

    I decided to post this as yet another attempt at speaking with my boys, Justin, Tony and Luca, please if you're reading this, please reach out to me. Please let me explain myself. I can't stand living this life without you in it. Please let me in, if only just a little. I miss you guys so much and love you so much more. Please, please message me on fb, insta or sc. I love you guys so much.  I'll never stop trying.

A MIRACLE THAT CAME FROM A BROKEN HEART

    I may not be perfect, and I may have my flaws, but I have always prided myself on being a respectful, loyal partner. Unfortunately, though my partner of nine years has been anything but that. I don’t know why I’ve dealt with it as long as I have, correction, I do. It’s because I love the dumbass, and all his flaws. The things that’s he put me through most wouldn’t survive. But the hardest thing Ive got to say is when I found out that the last one that he cheated on me with was pregnant. What do you do when you hear something like that? 

Me? I screamed and cried and acted like a lunetic for I think about three hours before finally telling him that I fucking hated his guts and ran into the bedroom to crawl in a ball and cry. And that’s exactly where I stayed for the next week. My emotions were all over the place. One minute I was pissed and wanted nothing more than to punch him in the face. The next minute though I felt like a child, frustrated because I couldn’t fix it and, in such shock, because I felt as if I was living in a nightmare. A nightmare I couldn’t wake up from.

After two weeks of my emotional rollercoaster, I came to a decision. And almost everyone Ive told believes that Ive completely lost my mind. And the ones who doubted my strength said that they will never doubt me again. 

Sitting on my bed one night it hit me like a mactruck going a million miles an hour. There was only one solution that I could see that just may make this whole situation alittle bit easier for me to digest. I grabbed my phone, swallowed extremely hard, called myself a damn fool, and dialed the dumb bitch’s number. She answered and I told her to find a ride and to get her ass to the house, that we needed to talk. She agreed, she’s always been extremely intimidated by me, and I told her that she’d better hurry before I changed my mind.

    A few hours later there was a knock on my slider. I reminded myself that I told her to come and to act like an adult. That there was no need to stab her in the eye with the nearest sharp object. She walked in and I could tell how nervous she was. It wasn’t something she expected that’s for sure. She stood by the bed, obviously terrified of me, for what reason I have no clue.

    I didn’t even know where to start, there was so much that I wanted to say to her. But for some reason I had no issues at all, everything came pouring out. I told her how she ruined a family, how he had lied to us both, and most importantly, that he didn’t love her and that he never would. I repeated that he always came back to me because I’m the one that will always have his heart. She agreed and started to cry, telling me how sorry she was. She tried to say that she believed everything he said even though he constantly came back home. She admitted how stupid she was to actually think that anything he said was the truth. She admitted that they both had no business having a baby and that the whole situation was just a big mess that never should have happened and that she had no clue what she was going to do now. I agreed with her that this was a mess and that she was a goddamn idiot but then what I said next, shocked then hell out of her. And her response shocked me even more. 

    I looked her straight in the eyes and told her I was taking that baby. That she had no choice because DCF would take it anyway. She started to cry again and said that deep down she felt like she intentionally became pregnant to do just that, since I can’t have any more children. And she agreed and said that she thought that was best. I could not believe it; she had just agreed to give me the baby. A baby. How on earth would I explain what I had done to Bryant? What would he think? Instantly, I went into nervous mode. 

    A few days later I got up nerve enough to say something to him about it. He continued to insist that it wasn’t his. I found this very hard to believe. He told me though that he thought it wa aactually a giod idea, if the baby was his. He again insisted that it wasn’t. But Im a mother and an empath and I feel things. Deep down in my gut and in my heart, I knew that he was wrong, he was about to be a daddy again. And apparently, I had just insisted on being its adopted mother. What on Earth am I thinking? 

KITTEN

      I haven’t been able to speak of it until now. What happened the end of August was probably on my top ten of hardest things I’ve had to go through in my life. Things like that change a person and it’s something that I can honestly say will stay with me forever. 

      August 23rd was my Tonys birthday, every year when another birthday passes my heart hurts more and more. Anyway, as I was wallowing in self-pity my phone went off. "Hi Kitten" popped up on my screen. It was my Aunt Emily checking in as she often did sometimes fifty times a day. There was a period of like five years where we didn't speak, and we had just recently made amends and instantly were close again. She had moved two streets in front of me like six months prior, so we were always communicating, and she was always knocking at my slider. I enjoyed the visits, and she enjoyed my company as well. 

      After finishing our conversation I went about my business, I enjoyed our little talk and felt better. The next couple of days I went about my life and all the bullshit that came with it. The 28th was Bryant and my nine-year anniversary. For the first time ever, we had plans to go out on a date. I was so happy.

      As I was getting ready, my aunt popped into my head. I realized that I had not spoken to her for five days and figured I'd give her a call and check in. When I called it rang and rang and I was sent to voicemail. This wasn't abnormal for her though. Usually, she would go to bed pretty early and then around 3-4am she'd be up, and she'd message me. Bryant and I went out and stayed out till probably 5am. I was so happy that when we got home, I didn't even realize how late it was. I went to bed and that was that. 

     Two days later, around 4pm my aunt popped into my head again. I realized that she never called me back from two days prior and a nervous feeling came over me. I dialed her phone and this time; it went straight to voicemail. Instantly, I called my uncle. He informed me that he hadn't spoken to her since he had seen her on the 22nd and asked me to go check on her.

      Reluctantly, I agreed to go over and make sure everything was okay. I didn't know why, but I had a really, really bad feeling in the pit of my stomach. I went outside and told Bryant that I'd be back. He just nodded and went about his business. I stayed on the phone with my uncle as I walked over and expressed to him the worry that had come over me. When I reached the trailer, all was quiet. Exactly what I didn't want to hear.

    As I approached the door, I realized that feeling in my stomach hadn't been for no reason. About five feet away from it I looked up at the window and I knew that I didn't want to go any farther. There was about a dozen flies that had made their home there. My aunt had a boxer, and my uncle kept asking why the dog wasn't barking. All I heard was silence. I told him about the flies in the window and told him that I didn't want to go in. Forcing me to, I got about two feet from the door, and I was hit with the smell of decomposition. It's a smell I didn't think I'll ever forget. As I opened the door, I felt like I was in a horror movie, swarms of flies came rushing out and the smell about knocked me on my ass. When I walked in, I was only able to take one step up into the trailer. I first looked to my left towards the kitchen. The poor dog was lying there, dead. I couldn't believe it. I screamed out to my uncle that he was gone, and my uncle automatically asked where my aunt was. I turned my head to the right and oh my god, what I saw I will never forget. There lying on the bed was my aunt, on her back, with nothing on from the waist down. Her stomached had distended so much it looked as if she was twenty months pregnant. I screamed out in terror to my uncle telling him that she was dead. I looked up at her face as he was asking me if I was sure, and I only was able to look for a second. Her face was swollen, purple and distorted, it didn't even look like my poor aunt. I screamed out in panic and told him I had to call 911 as he was telling me to do the same. I ran out of the house and fell to my knees as I called, I couldn't believe what I had just found. My poor aunt in there six days dead. Six days she laid in a hot box because the breaker had blown probably the first day and killed the air conditioning. 

    For probably two weeks after finding her I didn't want to go to sleep. Every time I closed my eyes her face was the only thing I saw. The guilt of not going over there sooner to check on her is something that will weigh on me probably the rest of my life. One thing is for sure, I definitely need some intense therapy after all of this. 

MISSING MARJ

    The last few weeks have by far been some the hardest days of my life. Just when I thought that I couldn't feel more alone the unthinkable happens. Something I prayed would never happen, the very same thing that now questions my faith and everything in between. 

    February 27, 2024, started like any other day. I was (and still am) dealing with yet another one of my man's messes. That evening we had gone to the game room to try our luck at the fire links. when you play you tend to get hypnotized and tune out the outside world. Well, I do anyway. I hadn't noticed that my other half had abandoned me there alone to call my own uber. I was pissed to say the least and choked back my tears as the uber took me home. Once there I instantly grabbed my phone to see if I could track where he was. Once I did, I instantly called my bff Marj to see where she was and ask her to pick me up. I was ready to go hunting. She answered telling me that she was out but would come get me. It was already two in the morning, but one thing was for sure. Day or night, I could always count on Marj to be there for me and save the day. We text for a while, actually till about four thirty. I decided to video chat her and see where she was. She answered and said "Bitch, my phones on three percent so I can't talk but I love you and I'll call ya back." I told her I loved her back and hung up the phone. I thought to myself, "Well I guess I'm not going anywhere". 

    Later that day, now February 28, 2024, I spent the day doing my usual meaningless shit. And around 7:45pm I figured I give Marj a call to see why she bailed on me that morning. She didn't answer, but that girl was always on the go. I brushed it off like I always did, she'd call me back when she could. But this time, I would wait for a call that never came.

    Around 8:30pm, my phone went off, it was a message from Marj's bf Cal. "Hey" he said, and I replied, "what's up" His answer is one I don't think I'll ever forget. "Shes gone Aprel" he texts back. Confused I asked him who. "Marj" he said. My heart instantly fell to my stomach. He called instantly and I picked up the phone screaming. "What do you mean she's gone? What the fuck are you talking about." "Shes dead Aprel, Marj is dead. She overdosed." No, this couldn't be happening, I had just spoken to her that morning. But it was true. My best friend, my sister was gone. And all I could do was scream and cry. I had asked Cal if her mom, aunt and son had been called. He told me that her son was there now and that he had called the other two. I couldn't believe this was real and assumed that it was a sick joke. My next call was to her aunt, I needed to hear it myself. Little did I know that neither her nor the mom knew a thing. So, when I called her asking her if this was a sick joke, I was actually the one delivering the news. Talk about feeling like shit. Next, I called my other half cuz of course he wasn't there. 

    I yelled at him to come home but of course he was off in his own little world. next, I called my mom and cried to her. My mom just sat there listening to me cry. The only thing she seemed to be able to say was that she was sorry. When I got off the phone, I just sat there numb. I couldn't believe this; I couldn't believe that my best friend was gone. She had promised me just a month before that she would never touch the deadly shit that ultimately killed her. She promised me. I called another one of our mutual friends and made my rounds letting all the people in our circle know. Then once I was done, I sat there, realizing how alone I was. I kept thinking that this had to be a dream and kept telling myself to wake up. Marj was my best friend for seven years. She was the only person I trusted, and I told her everything. Our friendship was the perfect combination. I was the nerd and would always be the one thinking logically and she was the muscles. I can honestly say that I was never afraid when I was with her because I knew that bitch always had my back. Always. She in turn knew that I always had hers. 

    Three weeks have now passed since she left me, and I'm still trying to figure out what I'm going to do without her. I'm clueless and I'm heart broken, and I don't think I'll ever be right again. It's hard for a person like me to form a bond with anyone and trust them completely, and with her it was easy. Even in death she will always be my best friend, and I'll miss her forever. I loved her like a sister, and I'm blessed that I had seven years to call her my bestie. She taught me so much and made me a stronger person. It's things like that I'll never forget, and she will live on through my memories. RIP my best friend, till we meet again, I love you. Marjory Elizabeth Devlin 3/10/1987-2/28/2024, my friend, my sister. fly high bitch. I hope you're up there shaking niggas like earthquakes. I miss you....

         

MONSTER

      My head is about to explode, the pain is more than I can bare. I gave my heart, my soul, my life, to someone who took it for granted. Someone who in the end turned everything around and made it all my fault, breaking me down a little more every time he found something new to blame me for. I can't bear the thought of being without him, but I know that this abuse will only get worse. In my mind I can still see how it once was, and it makes it hard for me to breathe. All the times I've forgiven him for the countless things that he has done to me. The lying, the sneaking and the cheating and this is how I'm repaid? All I did was love him, support him and forgive him and now I'm looked at as the enemy, blaming me for all these countless things that he's made up in his head. It breaks my heart. I once thought of him as my soulmate and now I can't believe that he looks at me as the enemy. It makes no sense. If I had done all of these things that he's accused me of then I could understand but I haven't. Not one. Every day is spent walking on eggshells, waiting for the new ball to drop and the abuse to start again. All the cruel and vindictive things that he has said to me, it makes me want to just die. The thought that he could really think of the only person that has been there for him through everything and still stayed by his side as a monster, as the enemy, it just blows my mind. I don't know what to even do from here because there is no talking sense to him, his mind is already made up. But why me? All I did was show him love, I can't believe that this is happening. Ending it all over shit that isn't even true. And in the back of my mind, I wonder if somewhere down the road he will realize that he was so very wrong about all of these things. How will he feel then? Nothing. I'm sure that he will feel nothing. But maybe just maybe, the man I fell in love with is somewhere in there if only just a little. I'm almost forty-two years old, I don't want to have to start over again, not that I would anyway. They say that in life we each only have that one person, and he was mine. I can't believe that I'm living this nightmare. I keep trying to wake up, but every time I do, I'm blamed for yet another thing that isn't true.

HIATUS

​I have no excuse for my hiatus. All I can do is apologize. I guess when my depression hits full swing I isolate myself from the world. Which is exactly what I’ve been doing. I’m not going to sugarcoat the fact that my life has been hell lately, to put it bluntly. I’m trying to figure out how to find some normalcy in this world, but I just can’t seem to. Right now I guess I’m kinda just existing day in and day out, with no real purpose. I’m tired, mentally tired, and worn out beyond belief. The fight I once had is gone, only a distant memory. And the friends I thought were friends, have shown their true stripes. And it saddens me. I honestly don’t know what to do with myself, I really don’t. I wish I had my boys…at least then my life would have purpose. 

UNKNOWN

     ​It’s been awhile I know. It’s so hard to focus on something that needs your full attention when your living in a chaotic nightmare. For once, I’d just like to be carefree, not a worry in the world. But unfortunately, a normal life is unknown to me.  

     For a short time in my life I will say, that I think I had a glimpse of maybe what a semi normal life was. I was married and had three beautiful boys in my arms 24/7, but that quickly ended as fast as it came. Even though I could put the blame on my ex, I know deep down that my mental illness played a big part in the destruction of our marriage. I wonder everyday what my life would be like if we had really tried to save what was left, but I know realistically we had both known it was over long before we said goodbye. 

     And now my life is so different and the madness has become all I know. I wish I knew how to fix it but unfortunately I seemed to be drawn to trauma relationships now. Almost every day of my life is spent just sitting in my room alone, cutting the world off because I can’t stand what I’ve become. I hate myself right now. Totally and terribly hate myself. And I don’t know what to do. 

WALKING AFTER MIDNIGHT: PART TWO

​      The next day I woke to silence. I had no idea when I had finally cried myself to sleep and had calmed the shaking enough to rest. I tried to call him but of course there was no answer. I wasn’t surprised. This man never seemed to surprise me anymore. 

      Things had been bad lately, really bad. He was dealing with some undiagnosed schizophrenia and I was dealing with the stress that went along with being on the receiving end of it. For months, he had been breaking me down, accusing me of things that just weren’t true. It kills me that he thinks that little of me or thinks that I think that little of myself. 

     Around the third day I had had enough of the silent treatment so I decided that since I paid his cell phone bill I had also paid for the right to shut it off. It took him three days to finally respond after that. Was he that busy to notice? 

     Of course all the blame was on me, I was such a terrible person. His reasoning for leaving though was definitely one for the books, and when he said it, it shattered my heart instantly in a million pieces. He accused me of trying to kill him. The same man that I’ve done nothing but love and honor and forgive over and over for the last seven years honestly thinks that I’m capable of such a thing. Does this man truly know me at all? 

     I couldn’t believe the fact that he could even for a second entertain this idea. After all this time he still questioned my love for him. As the days passed my sadness grew and grew. I missed him so much but I was so hurt that his mind thought so little of me. How can two people ever move on from something like this. I kept feeling like maybe this time would be it. That there would be no coming back from something this intense. To be continued…

WALKING AFTER MIDNIGHT

    How far will you let a person go when they're taking advantage of you? How can they not see that what they are doing is wrong? I keep asking myself that very same question. So let me rewind back twelve days so it all makes sense. 

    The night before his disappearing act he told me that one of his homeboys was coming over to visit. He said this as he was shutting the bedroom blind so I couldn't see out to the doorway. I knew then something was up. After being gone for what seemed like forever I called down to the Florida room when I heard the bass bumping at one am. He answered and in the background, I heard a female's voice and I flipped. Dykes he said, two dykes came to visit and he thought nothing of it. First, he lied about it being a male coming over only to find out it was not one but two females. 

    After bitching all night that they were there, they finally left at eleven that morning. We argued the rest of the day because I was so pissed off. Later that night he came into the bedroom dressed to impress and smelling like a million bucks. After eating, sleeping, and breathing this man for seven years I knew he was up to something.

    After changing his outfit three times I definitely knew it. So when he said he was going for a walk a short time later I knew the wiser. He was leaving. Ten minutes later I called him and wouldn't cha know no answer. I called again a few more times until finally, he shut his phone off all together. That was it for me. I saw red as I was hurling his things onto the back porch telling myself over and over again that I was done. Done with the bullshit, done with the lying, and definitely done with the cheating. 

    That night I stayed up waiting for him to come home and couldnt believe it when darkness came again and he still wasnt back. I was angry at him for leaving but even more hurt that he was doing this to me again. I warned him last time that there would be no next time, and here I am reliving it all over again. I blamed myself for letting it happen again. I guess once a fool always a fool. To be continued...

     

AFTERLIFE PAIN IN THE ASS

 They say that God works in mysterious ways, tonight I think it was Christian. My dearly departed friend that left this earth ten months ago continues to amaze me from the heavens. He always told me, "Aprel, now stop she's chill." And I would always say something smart ass to make him change the subject. I had no intention at that point in making friends with someone I thought had done me wrong. But I was wrong about that too. And for that girl, I'm truly sorry. 

    But today, today events changed my mind. Why? Because of him. For some reason he drew us together today to realize we aren't so different. Maybe it was because I needed clarity, maybe it was because we just needed each other. Christian could not stand it when ppl he loved didn't get along and I think today he figured that it was going to change. I truly believe that everything happens for a reason, and this was for reason. So, thank you, you pain in the ass, thank you for showing me your still with us all. Love you. 

FAR FROM PARADISE

​     Another day in the sunshine state. I often wonder why in the hell people call this paradise. Why everyone wants to retire here. The people are mean, two faced and liars. Not to mention 95% of the population here are either homeless or junkies or both. And the other 5%? Well they’re the rich snooty, think their shit doesn’t stink retirees that have nothing better to do than to sit around and talk shit on everyone else. When they’ve got more skeletons in their closet than Lucifer himself. But you have to sit back and chuckle when you find out that you’ve been the topic of their recent conversations. 

     For example, the neighbor who talks shit and spreads untrue bullshit around about you, well after hes finished flapping his jaws about you he’s gotta go in the house and clean up his wife because like everyday,  she was so drunk she pissed herself and couldn’t find her way to the bathroom. I feel bad for them to be honest. They’re lives are so miserable and boring that the only thing that gives them any type of satisfaction is to talk shit about people they hardly know and make up bullshit lies because they’re jealous they’re not them. 

     After all, that’s what it really boils down to, jealousy. They’re mad at the world that they’ve been dealt such a shitty card and jealous of the fact that they can’t live normal life like the people they talk shit about. You would think though that when you get older you’d grow up and realize that there are far more important things in the world. My opinion anyway, but hey what do I know?

STANDING IN A CROWDED ROOM

      I seriously can’t take anymore. I’m literally going insane. His family is still fucking here and won’t get the point that they need to go. The dumbass uncle decided to sell his home without having another one lined up and the smart one spent all the fucking money that they got for their home. So his boneheaded decision plopped it’s lard ass right at my back door. Along with his half stupid wife. I swear to God I’m ready to flip my shit I kid you not. 

     Everything in this house gets decided without even considering my opinion. Let alone the fact that I am the ONLY BILL PAYER IN THE DAMN HOUSE!! ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW?!?!? Like what gives??!?! I don’t know why I’m even asked if it’s okay to do this, or okay to do that. Nobody honors it anyway. I feel like I’m in a crowded room screaming at the top of my lungs, and no one looks up. Nobody even knows I’m there. With everything that I have going on in my life you’d think that maybe, just maybe, my feelings for once would be considered. But silly me what was I even thinking. I’ll know better next time around. 

MADNESS TO MAYHEM

​    Days have turned into weeks, weeks into months. I’m still in this bottomless rut with no sight of any sunlight. To add madness to mayhem someone filed taxes in my name so now I’ve got the label of identity theft to add to my already chaotic life. Once, just once, I’d like to live a calm serene life. But unfortunately, life hasn’t stopped throwing those crater sized obstacles my way. I feel like I’ve lost who I am, because quite honestly my identity is gone. My social has been replaced by a stupid IP pin and my credit is destroyed.        

     I’d like to believe I’m maintaining my sanity at an okay level because I know that when faced with a situation like this most people would crumble, especially those that suffer the illness I do. But I’m trying to maintain in my bottomless rut, I mean what choice do I have anyway. I have to keep fighting and keep trying to swim to the surface. Nobody can do it for me. And there’s nobody I’d let try. One step forward, two steps back, as they say. I’ll survive this too, one way or another. 

HOLDING ON TO THE LIGHT

    My life is ordinary to say the least. Every day is the same song and dance, and everyday I wonder how I've made it this long. How I haven't self-destructed into a puddle of my own despair, my own inner demons. Maybe it's my faith, or maybe just maybe it's the fact that I know that this isn't how it's going to be forever. There is a light at the end of my tunnel, even if it's very faint. God has blessed me with life and blessed me with my three loves. Even if their bastard father won't let me in. I have to keep the faith in knowing that things bad don't last forever and when you're at the bottom things can only come up. I have to believe that with all my heart. It's all I have to hold onto.

THREE MISSING PIECES

    So I have this aching inside me that just won't go away. I miss my boys. I miss them so much, it eats away at me more and more every day. I hate the fact that my ex has cut them off from me and refuses to let me in. I have begged, and I have begged for some type of relationship with them, but he's blocked me from every avenue.

  

      Last night, I had a dream that I was back in Pittsburgh, and back in the townhouse we once all shared. When I opened the door, there was a note from my mom telling me that she was proud of me for coming home and to not fuck it up this time. At first, it was quiet as I walked into the kitchen and then into the dining room. Then, off in the distance, I could hear noise coming from the upstairs. I walked over to the stairs and as I started to climb them it became clear that it was voices I heard. When I got to the top and entered the room that the boys had once shared, there was my Justin, now all grown up, staring at me with these lost eyes shocked at what he was seeing. I walked over now crying, and my heart became a puddle. I grabbed him and hugged him as tight as I could and promised I'd never leave him again. Holding his hand we walked into the second bedroom and there in front of me there they were. My other two angels sitting together, my Tony and my Luca. I just ran and hugged them, pulling Justin with me. We all just sat there hugging and crying, so happy to be united again. It was heaven.

   

     When I woke this morning, one thing was clear, I have to get back to them. Someway, somehow. I want them to know that I love them and I haven't forgotten about them. I've decided that from now until that day I will get on here and write them as much as I possibly can. Hopefully, they see it, it's my last hope at communication.

    And as far as today, I hope they find this entry, and slowly they can let me back in. I've missed so much, I can't miss anymore.

CHRISTIAN

    So I've been putting this off the last few days, not knowing what to say. I still don't want to believe it's real, I don't want to believe your gone. You told Bryant the first time you came to the house that he grew on you, well my dear sweet Christian you grew on us too. You were more than just our friend, you were our brother. I can't believe that you're gone. 

    

    I remember the first time we met. I watched this kid karate chop the fish table like speedy Gonzales and I remember thinking to myself, "My God, that has to be the weirdest kid I've ever seen.  What the fuck is wrong with him?" I think it was only a few days later that I had to tell you it too. I remember looking at you and saying, "Dude, what is your issue? You have got to be the weirdest person I ever met."

    You looked over across the table at me and that damn puppy dog face dropped and you simply said, "Sorry." Turned out it was the thing that everyone loved the most about you.

    It didn't take us long to form a friendship, although at first, I don't think I had a choice. Every time you saw me from that point on you made it a priority to come up to me, holding your arms out, demanding a hug. And at the beginning, until you formed a friendship with Bryant, you never once ended a hug without telling me how beautiful I looked. I'd call you a weirdo and that would be about that. But then our friendship really became a friendship and I appreciated it. Some of our talks were so deep I forgot who you were because you'd go to a totally different level. Your facade would come off for awhile. But quickly after one of our deep discussions you'd put that mask back on and act like everything was okay.

    You had a personality that anyone could love and despite having a totally fucked up time you were always smiling. I could never understand it, but I wished I could be like that a quarter of the time. 

    And then you met Bryant. And instantly you were brothers. You guys absolutely drove me nuts staying up all night rapping. Absolutely crazy. I'd sit up in my room listening to you two freestyling on top of each other and laughing at each other's stupid words. And I'd just chuckle.

    I know how much you looked up to Bryant, even if he didn't. I would watch you stare at him for one of his many get your shit together lectures, and even if you thought it was complete bullshit you would listen to every single word. Even when he talked your ear off all night. 

    You couldn't begin to imagine how losing you affected him right off the jump. I've only seen him cry maybe once or twice in six years and you my dear managed to accomplish the third. I spent two days in bed crying my eyes out not wanting to believe it could be true too.

    The last time I saw you you came home with Bryant at 5am. I was livid at all of you coming in that late. We had gotten in an argument before that and when you came over u pulled out the puppy dog face again, telling me sorry. I remember still being pissed from our fight but telling you we were good, just to shut you up. 

    Fuck man, and then you went to do your ninety days for the Gameroom raid that Bryant and I bonded you out of at first. Before you went to jail I really thought you were talking shit, I really did. And I was pissed. The last message I left you was cold and so mean. Thankfully, Bryant made me erase it before you had a chance to read it. I hope you didnt anyway. 

    I'm sorry for being so upset with you, I wish I could tell you this now, to your face. Why did this have to happen, why did you have to be so stupid. I loved you like my own brother, you were family to us. You've forever changed everyones lives that knew you and loved you. 

    From what I was told you were supposed to be okay, they had you breathing again. But you started seizing and some dumb motherfucker just left you, not calling 911 or anything. What the fuck is wrong with people, how could they be so inhumane. I hope to god I never see that dumbfuck, even though I honestly dont know who he is. But rest assured Sharkey, he got his ass beat because you lost yours. 

    I'm gonna miss you so much, you have no idea. As for Bryant, you guys were on a totally different level than you and I. His heart is shattered because of this. His best friend, his brother is gone. Please Christian, help him get through this, help us all get though it. You were one in a million, and we will miss you terrribly. I hope you found peace wherever you are, because you derserved it. Up until I met you I thought I wore the best facade, but you my friend surpassed me. I applaude you.