MISSING MARJ

    The last few weeks have by far been some the hardest days of my life. Just when I thought that I couldn't feel more alone the unthinkable happens. Something I prayed would never happen, the very same thing that now questions my faith and everything in between. 

    February 27, 2024, started like any other day. I was (and still am) dealing with yet another one of my man's messes. That evening we had gone to the game room to try our luck at the fire links. when you play you tend to get hypnotized and tune out the outside world. Well, I do anyway. I hadn't noticed that my other half had abandoned me there alone to call my own uber. I was pissed to say the least and choked back my tears as the uber took me home. Once there I instantly grabbed my phone to see if I could track where he was. Once I did, I instantly called my bff Marj to see where she was and ask her to pick me up. I was ready to go hunting. She answered telling me that she was out but would come get me. It was already two in the morning, but one thing was for sure. Day or night, I could always count on Marj to be there for me and save the day. We text for a while, actually till about four thirty. I decided to video chat her and see where she was. She answered and said "Bitch, my phones on three percent so I can't talk but I love you and I'll call ya back." I told her I loved her back and hung up the phone. I thought to myself, "Well I guess I'm not going anywhere". 

    Later that day, now February 28, 2024, I spent the day doing my usual meaningless shit. And around 7:45pm I figured I give Marj a call to see why she bailed on me that morning. She didn't answer, but that girl was always on the go. I brushed it off like I always did, she'd call me back when she could. But this time, I would wait for a call that never came.

    Around 8:30pm, my phone went off, it was a message from Marj's bf Cal. "Hey" he said, and I replied, "what's up" His answer is one I don't think I'll ever forget. "Shes gone Aprel" he texts back. Confused I asked him who. "Marj" he said. My heart instantly fell to my stomach. He called instantly and I picked up the phone screaming. "What do you mean she's gone? What the fuck are you talking about." "Shes dead Aprel, Marj is dead. She overdosed." No, this couldn't be happening, I had just spoken to her that morning. But it was true. My best friend, my sister was gone. And all I could do was scream and cry. I had asked Cal if her mom, aunt and son had been called. He told me that her son was there now and that he had called the other two. I couldn't believe this was real and assumed that it was a sick joke. My next call was to her aunt, I needed to hear it myself. Little did I know that neither her nor the mom knew a thing. So, when I called her asking her if this was a sick joke, I was actually the one delivering the news. Talk about feeling like shit. Next, I called my other half cuz of course he wasn't there. 

    I yelled at him to come home but of course he was off in his own little world. next, I called my mom and cried to her. My mom just sat there listening to me cry. The only thing she seemed to be able to say was that she was sorry. When I got off the phone, I just sat there numb. I couldn't believe this; I couldn't believe that my best friend was gone. She had promised me just a month before that she would never touch the deadly shit that ultimately killed her. She promised me. I called another one of our mutual friends and made my rounds letting all the people in our circle know. Then once I was done, I sat there, realizing how alone I was. I kept thinking that this had to be a dream and kept telling myself to wake up. Marj was my best friend for seven years. She was the only person I trusted, and I told her everything. Our friendship was the perfect combination. I was the nerd and would always be the one thinking logically and she was the muscles. I can honestly say that I was never afraid when I was with her because I knew that bitch always had my back. Always. She in turn knew that I always had hers. 

    Three weeks have now passed since she left me, and I'm still trying to figure out what I'm going to do without her. I'm clueless and I'm heart broken, and I don't think I'll ever be right again. It's hard for a person like me to form a bond with anyone and trust them completely, and with her it was easy. Even in death she will always be my best friend and I'll miss her forever. I loved her like a sister, and I'm blessed that I had seven years to call her my bestie. She taught me so much and made me a stronger person. It's things like that I'll never forget, and she will on through my memories. RIP my best friend, till we meet again, I love you. Marjory Elizabeth Devlin 3/10/1987-2/28/2024, my friend, my sister. fly high bitch. I hope you're up there shaking niggas like earthquakes. I miss you....

         

MONSTER

      My head is about to explode, the pain is more than I can bare. I gave my heart, my soul, my life, to someone who took it for granted. Someone who in the end turned everything around and made it all my fault, breaking me down a little more every time he found something new to blame me for. I can't bear the thought of being without him, but I know that this abuse will only get worse. In my mind I can still see how it once was, and it makes it hard for me to breathe. All the times I've forgiven him for the countless things that he has done to me. The lying, the sneaking and the cheating and this is how I'm repaid? All I did was love him, support him and forgive him and now I'm looked at as the enemy, blaming me for all these countless things that he's made up in his head. It breaks my heart. I once thought of him as my soulmate and now I can't believe that he looks at me as the enemy. It makes no sense. If I had done all of these things that he's accused me of then I could understand but I haven't. Not one. Every day is spent walking on eggshells, waiting for the new ball to drop and the abuse to start again. All the cruel and vindictive things that he has said to me, it makes me want to just die. The thought that he could really think of the only person that has been there for him through everything and still stayed by his side as a monster, as the enemy, it just blows my mind. I don't know what to even do from here because there is no talking sense to him, his mind is already made up. But why me? All I did was show him love, I can't believe that this is happening. Ending it all over shit that isn't even true. And in the back of my mind, I wonder if somewhere down the road he will realize that he was so very wrong about all of these things. How will he feel then? Nothing. I'm sure that he will feel nothing. But maybe just maybe, the man I fell in love with is somewhere in there if only just a little. I'm almost forty-two years old, I don't want to have to start over again, not that I would anyway. They say that in life we each only have that one person, and he was mine. I can't believe that I'm living this nightmare. I keep trying to wake up, but every time I do, I'm blamed for yet another thing that isn't true.

HIATUS

​I have no excuse for my hiatus. All I can do is apologize. I guess when my depression hits full swing I isolate myself from the world. Which is exactly what I’ve been doing. I’m not going to sugarcoat the fact that my life has been hell lately, to put it bluntly. I’m trying to figure out how to find some normalcy in this world, but I just can’t seem to. Right now I guess I’m kinda just existing day in and day out, with no real purpose. I’m tired, mentally tired, and worn out beyond belief. The fight I once had is gone, only a distant memory. And the friends I thought were friends, have shown their true stripes. And it saddens me. I honestly don’t know what to do with myself, I really don’t. I wish I had my boys…at least then my life would have purpose. 

UNKNOWN

     ​It’s been awhile I know. It’s so hard to focus on something that needs your full attention when your living in a chaotic nightmare. For once, I’d just like to be carefree, not a worry in the world. But unfortunately, a normal life is unknown to me.  

     For a short time in my life I will say, that I think I had a glimpse of maybe what a semi normal life was. I was married and had three beautiful boys in my arms 24/7, but that quickly ended as fast as it came. Even though I could put the blame on my ex, I know deep down that my mental illness played a big part in the destruction of our marriage. I wonder everyday what my life would be like if we had really tried to save what was left, but I know realistically we had both known it was over long before we said goodbye. 

     And now my life is so different and the madness has become all I know. I wish I knew how to fix it but unfortunately I seemed to be drawn to trauma relationships now. Almost every day of my life is spent just sitting in my room alone, cutting the world off because I can’t stand what I’ve become. I hate myself right now. Totally and terribly hate myself. And I don’t know what to do. 

WALKING AFTER MIDNIGHT: PART TWO

​      The next day I woke to silence. I had no idea when I had finally cried myself to sleep and had calmed the shaking enough to rest. I tried to call him but of course there was no answer. I wasn’t surprised. This man never seemed to surprise me anymore. 

      Things had been bad lately, really bad. He was dealing with some undiagnosed schizophrenia and I was dealing with the stress that went along with being on the receiving end of it. For months, he had been breaking me down, accusing me of things that just weren’t true. It kills me that he thinks that little of me or thinks that I think that little of myself. 

     Around the third day I had had enough of the silent treatment so I decided that since I paid his cell phone bill I had also paid for the right to shut it off. It took him three days to finally respond after that. Was he that busy to notice? 

     Of course all the blame was on me, I was such a terrible person. His reasoning for leaving though was definitely one for the books, and when he said it, it shattered my heart instantly in a million pieces. He accused me of trying to kill him. The same man that I’ve done nothing but love and honor and forgive over and over for the last seven years honestly thinks that I’m capable of such a thing. Does this man truly know me at all? 

     I couldn’t believe the fact that he could even for a second entertain this idea. After all this time he still questioned my love for him. As the days passed my sadness grew and grew. I missed him so much but I was so hurt that his mind thought so little of me. How can two people ever move on from something like this. I kept feeling like maybe this time would be it. That there would be no coming back from something this intense. To be continued…

WALKING AFTER MIDNIGHT

    How far will you let a person go when they're taking advantage of you? How can they not see that what they are doing is wrong? I keep asking myself that very same question. So let me rewind back twelve days so it all makes sense. 

    The night before his disappearing act he told me that one of his homeboys was coming over to visit. He said this as he was shutting the bedroom blind so I couldn't see out to the doorway. I knew then something was up. After being gone for what seemed like forever I called down to the Florida room when I heard the bass bumping at one am. He answered and in the background, I heard a female's voice and I flipped. Dykes he said, two dykes came to visit and he thought nothing of it. First, he lied about it being a male coming over only to find out it was not one but two females. 

    After bitching all night that they were there, they finally left at eleven that morning. We argued the rest of the day because I was so pissed off. Later that night he came into the bedroom dressed to impress and smelling like a million bucks. After eating, sleeping, and breathing this man for seven years I knew he was up to something.

    After changing his outfit three times I definitely knew it. So when he said he was going for a walk a short time later I knew the wiser. He was leaving. Ten minutes later I called him and wouldn't cha know no answer. I called again a few more times until finally, he shut his phone off all together. That was it for me. I saw red as I was hurling his things onto the back porch telling myself over and over again that I was done. Done with the bullshit, done with the lying, and definitely done with the cheating. 

    That night I stayed up waiting for him to come home and couldnt believe it when darkness came again and he still wasnt back. I was angry at him for leaving but even more hurt that he was doing this to me again. I warned him last time that there would be no next time, and here I am reliving it all over again. I blamed myself for letting it happen again. I guess once a fool always a fool. To be continued...

     

AFTERLIFE PAIN IN THE ASS

 They say that God works in mysterious ways, tonight I think it was Christian. My dearly departed friend that left this earth ten months ago continues to amaze me from the heavens. He always told me, "Aprel, now stop she's chill." And I would always say something smart ass to make him change the subject. I had no intention at that point in making friends with someone I thought had done me wrong. But I was wrong about that too. And for that girl, I'm truly sorry. 

    But today, today events changed my mind. Why? Because of him. For some reason he drew us together today to realize we aren't so different. Maybe it was because I needed clarity, maybe it was because we just needed each other. Christian could not stand it when ppl he loved didn't get along and I think today he figured that it was going to change. I truly believe that everything happens for a reason, and this was for reason. So, thank you, you pain in the ass, thank you for showing me your still with us all. Love you. 

FAR FROM PARADISE

​     Another day in the sunshine state. I often wonder why in the hell people call this paradise. Why everyone wants to retire here. The people are mean, two faced and liars. Not to mention 95% of the population here are either homeless or junkies or both. And the other 5%? Well they’re the rich snooty, think their shit doesn’t stink retirees that have nothing better to do than to sit around and talk shit on everyone else. When they’ve got more skeletons in their closet than Lucifer himself. But you have to sit back and chuckle when you find out that you’ve been the topic of their recent conversations. 

     For example, the neighbor who talks shit and spreads untrue bullshit around about you, well after hes finished flapping his jaws about you he’s gotta go in the house and clean up his wife because like everyday,  she was so drunk she pissed herself and couldn’t find her way to the bathroom. I feel bad for them to be honest. They’re lives are so miserable and boring that the only thing that gives them any type of satisfaction is to talk shit about people they hardly know and make up bullshit lies because they’re jealous they’re not them. 

     After all, that’s what it really boils down to, jealousy. They’re mad at the world that they’ve been dealt such a shitty card and jealous of the fact that they can’t live normal life like the people they talk shit about. You would think though that when you get older you’d grow up and realize that there are far more important things in the world. My opinion anyway, but hey what do I know?

STANDING IN A CROWDED ROOM

      I seriously can’t take anymore. I’m literally going insane. His family is still fucking here and won’t get the point that they need to go. The dumbass uncle decided to sell his home without having another one lined up and the smart one spent all the fucking money that they got for their home. So his boneheaded decision plopped it’s lard ass right at my back door. Along with his half stupid wife. I swear to God I’m ready to flip my shit I kid you not. 

     Everything in this house gets decided without even considering my opinion. Let alone the fact that I am the ONLY BILL PAYER IN THE DAMN HOUSE!! ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW?!?!? Like what gives??!?! I don’t know why I’m even asked if it’s okay to do this, or okay to do that. Nobody honors it anyway. I feel like I’m in a crowded room screaming at the top of my lungs, and no one looks up. Nobody even knows I’m there. With everything that I have going on in my life you’d think that maybe, just maybe, my feelings for once would be considered. But silly me what was I even thinking. I’ll know better next time around. 

MADNESS TO MAYHEM

​    Days have turned into weeks, weeks into months. I’m still in this bottomless rut with no sight of any sunlight. To add madness to mayhem someone filed taxes in my name so now I’ve got the label of identity theft to add to my already chaotic life. Once, just once, I’d like to live a calm serene life. But unfortunately, life hasn’t stopped throwing those crater sized obstacles my way. I feel like I’ve lost who I am, because quite honestly my identity is gone. My social has been replaced by a stupid IP pin and my credit is destroyed.        

     I’d like to believe I’m maintaining my sanity at an okay level because I know that when faced with a situation like this most people would crumble, especially those that suffer the illness I do. But I’m trying to maintain in my bottomless rut, I mean what choice do I have anyway. I have to keep fighting and keep trying to swim to the surface. Nobody can do it for me. And there’s nobody I’d let try. One step forward, two steps back, as they say. I’ll survive this too, one way or another.